The sins of the suburbs : loneliness
When stepping into the Westminster Recreation Center there is a 48’ inch plasma television that scrolls a list of over 100 activities going on each week; from yoga, to basketball, to retired swim aerobics. You name your athletic or hobby interest and your age demographic and they’ve got it. The choices in our suburb don’t end there; take the bars in just a 2 mile radius from where I live. There is a pub for the rougher crowd, the bar for your typical 30’s and 40’s middle class, then you’ve got the Irish pub where everyone knows your name… and then there are also the other two dozen bars in a two mile radius. Like the rec. center there is a bar that fits you . . . even if you are a 37 year old mom with 4 kids . . . there is sure to be another mom that same age with the same amount of kids (probably with one named Ella) at your preset demographic bar.
With so many social activities and so many social places to hang out how can loneliness be a problem in the suburbs? However it seems to be a trend that is only getting worse. Sociologist from Duke University observed disturbing data in 1985 that 1 in 8 American’s had no one they could confide in and the average American said they had only 3 intimate friends. In just 20 years since that research the trend has gotten worse, now it is 1 in 4 American’s that have no one they can confide in and the average American now says they have only 2 intimate friends. The research is not far from the anecdotal stories I hear from people. “I don’t get it . . . I have 500 friends on Facebook, I have 200 contacts on my phone, and I am a part of two book clubs and I still don’t have anyone that really knows me.” Why with more of an ability to find friends and keep in touch with friends in the American suburbs, are people lacking from intimacy and are lonely?
Whatever category or demographic you fall into, join us in discussing this topic of loneliness in the suburbs. To discuss this more, post your comments, or better yet, come to Theology on Tap – a monthly gathering of people that meets to discuss topics pertaining to the “The Meaning of Life” at the Exchange Tavern in Bradburn. Any voice and opinion is welcome while we enjoy some Irish Food, and Drink while listening to opinions and views from all types of religious, non-religious, and Theological backgrounds.
When: Tuesday, July 27th 7:30 – 9:00PM
Where: The Exchange Tavern 11940 Bradburn Blvd. Just west of the church (we will be in the coffee house section or the back patio depending on the weather)
I don’t know if I necessarily believe that there are more lonely people now than there have been in the past. I would need to see more evidence. However, it seems like people in our culture have trouble confiding in one another.
It may be that Americans are finding less people to confide in because the alternatives to confiding are more and more accessible. Confiding in someone is painful, as it involves exposing weakness. Nobody takes pleasure in it. It is easier to either work on your problems alone or distract yourself from them. With the gym, bars, television, internet, drugs, clubs, groups, sports, and all that other stuff, it just seems easier to avoid the pain and risk that comes with confiding in someone. The value of true friendship is great, and people desire it, but it is difficult to attain.
I think this desire for true friendship manifests itself in our culture with the great value we place on being “real” toward one another. This seems to mean exposing yourself without shame or weakness–it doesn’t really matter who or what you are, as long as you are honest about it. I don’t think anyone really buys into this, even if they say they do, but I think it shows that we all desire acceptance, despise shame, and want authentic friendship.
Good points Ben . . . I can’t tell you how many times I hear people say they want a kind of friendship where they can be “real”. I think we have this romantic idea about being “real”; it consists of being “real” as long as it keeps our cool points high. If being “real” could change the dynamic of a relationship, reveal our tendency to say one thing and do another, or allow people to see that we are flawed, then that is not the kind of realness that we want. However that is the very authenticity we need if we want a close friendship. I hope you will come to our discussion next Tuesday night and will help us “keep it real”.
I don’t think it’s that people are more lonely then the generations before us. I think it’s like a lot of other issues, it’s more openly talked about as a topic of interest. It’s not an issue that people want to own but to hear that there are a lot of other people who are struggling with this same issue, gives us a sense that we are not alone with this problem. I think the downfall to that is that it keeps people from opening up and owning this issue as their own problem too. No one wants to open up and burden others with this depressing issue. A person can have hundreds of friends, family, or co-workers that they talk to everyday but that doesn’t mean that they are opening up to them about what is going on inside of them. Instead, they drink or sometimes even do drug which is self medicating and avoiding the problem. To many people don’t want to admit that they could use a little therapy because they are afraid of being labeled as weak or crazy. They don’t look at therapy as what it really is, which is a tool to deal with what ever is going on inside of them that they don’t want other people to see. I have gone through a lot of hardships in my life and years of therapy because what we don’t deal with now, can be passed down to our children. An unhappy parent can not raise happy children! The issue is more serious then people acknowledge. It becomes a painful cycle until someone has the courage to try to change it. It’s not something a person can change by themselves. So my advice to all the other people who have or are experiencing loniness or depression because of loniness, get off the couch and go to a friend, therapist, or whoever it is that you can trust and talk about it because it will consume you if you let it and it can become like a heritary decease that get passed down to your children. If you can’t do it for yourself, then do it for your children. They are a God given blessing and should be treated as such! If you were so sick that you couldn’t go to work or take care of the kids, you would go to the doctor so they can make you feel better. Loneliness can do the same thing to you and you have to own it before you can deal with it. Asking for help takes a lot of courage but isn’t it what God wants us to do…ask for help. One thing that I have learned from becoming a christian is that helping others has its own rewards, so don’t be afraid to ask or just talk to people about what is going on inside because it really does affect everything outside too. I wasn’t raised in a family where things were talked about. I grow up in a family full of self absorbed alcoholics and drug abusers and worse. It has taken a lot of courage and support from my christian fanily to break free from that life style and my children are my motivation. If I can make that difference in their lives, then everything I have had to do to break that cycle was worth every ounce of energy I put forth. Years from now, when my time to leave this place comes, if I can look at my children and see well balanced and happy adults, then there is no doubt that I will go in peace.
Thank you!